Monday, March 20, 2006

Kicks for Nix

Kicks for Nix

The other day hubby was swaying in the kitchen, uncharacteristically quiet with a little smile on his face. You guessed it, he was really characteristically low. I suggested he check his sugar and he said, "The problem is that it's a well-known fact that low blood sugar causes a euphoric feeling". So he enjoys his "euphoric feeling" for a few seconds more and goes to check his sugar (54). His friends call that his "kicks for nix (nothing)". I suppose that's slightly better than getting kicks from his old recreational drugs - which, I hear, contribute to impaired sperm motility...

To tell or not to tell?

I wonder whether he self-debates to tell or not to tell me. Sometimes I'll walk in the door and he'll bombard me with a litany of his BG readings for the day. He'll usually do that when they've been uncontrollable (182. Bolus. 210. Bolus. Beer. 220) or (58. Juice. 58. Juice. 60 - maybe he should drink beer instead of juice, but I won't suggest that). Writers of fiction use the word "uncontrollable" too glibly:
"Uncontrollable sobbing and crying"
"Uncontrollable gaiety"
"Uncontrollable desire for power"
"Uncontrollable bowel movement"

Umm, ok - that last one I'll allow. But a diabetic unsuccessfully normalizing a BG in the midst of life (physical activity, emotional winds, infusion set temperaments, meal carb and fat contents, ...) - now that's uncontrollable.

On the other extreme of telling and not telling, he was driving us all home from the park last weekend. As soon as he stepped in the door, he headed straight for the fridge and a glass of juice. He checks his BG 10 mins later, and he's 39. 39!! Or, another day we got ready to go to Target and he checked his BG. He drank a juice and drove (I very rarely ask him what his BG is, so I assumed he was in the high 60's or 70's). When we arrived at the store, some 20 mins later, he casually mentioned that he was 41 before leaving. But, he pointed out (almost triumphantly?) that he had no symptoms and that I didn't notice anything, did I?

In both cases he deliberately did not tell me - to what end? So he could drive (not that I'm a bad driver, in my own defense)? So he could prove that he's still in control even when he's so low??? He must truly believe that his low BG doesn't cause any impairment. Or want to believe that.

Sex, lies and videotapes
Well, just the last of the three actually. Goes to show how titillating my life is. Every morning after a nighttime "save", he asks me how I knew that he was low. I describe the shaking, foot-jerking, sweating, incoherent ramblings. And the next time, he asks me again, almost as if he doesn't believe his body could morph that way. Even 8 years ago, 5 years into our relationship, he consistently refused to drink anything when I woke him in the middle of the night. Out of desperation, and a sneaking-suspicion intuition that his conscious beliefs did affect his hypoglycemic behaviors, I videotaped him. We watched the inky dark pictures the next morning and he seemed mystified, angry, and embarrassed at the man with tightly-pressed lips who was turning his head away from the juice I was trying to give him. He apologized to me, which nearly broke my heart. Since that very day, he has not once refused any juice or glucose I've given him at night.


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